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Often when I meet with a parent regarding behavior issues in their children, one of the first things I address with them is their child’s sleep patterns. Many times underlying behavior issues is a lack of sleep and/or inconsistent sleep habits.  I recommend to my clients that they read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth.  [From KS: we are big, BIG fans of this book.  I would highly encourage you to take a look at it!!]

When addressing recurring discipline issues, one question you can ask yourself is, “does my child feel that it is worth it to obey versus disobey?” Is there any benefit for them to do what you expect?  I find myself frequently telling parents, “catch your kids doing what is good!”  Find ways to praise and encourage them, to create an atmosphere in the home that makes them want to please you.  So often saying “no” or “don’t” or giving only negative feedback becomes a habit that we have to intentionally correct.

Especially if you are trying to correct a problem behavior, any time you see your child doing anything that even resembles the opposite of that behavior, point it out and affirm it!  If your child tends to jump in the furniture, for example, and you see him sitting appropriately, take a moment to say, “I really like how you’re sitting nicely right now.”

There are many types of positive reinforcers you can implement to encourage desired behaviors.  These can range from verbal praise and activities, attention, and one-on-one special time with you to tangible things like earning tokens that can be cashed in for something special at the end of the day/week/month (depending on the age of the child).

Rewards can also be on-the-spot types like stickers, candy, or toys.  Personally, I am not a fan of rewarding with food, because I think that it can create an unhealthy relationship with food in the long term.  (If you want more creative ideas for positive reinforcements, “Super Nanny” uses a lot of different types of reinforcers.  I usually agree with her approaches to parent/child relationships.)

One of the most effective forms of positive reinforcement is utilizing the natural parent/child emotional connection.  They want to spend time with you- and they will do what they need to do to get your attention. Sometimes children will act out simply to get a reaction – even if they know it will be a negative one!  What they are really wanting is your attention, and they will take whatever form they can get.  When you see your child displaying attention-seeking behavior it is a signal that you need to put your agenda aside and focus on their needs, or at least recognize that they need you. Younger children generally require a quicker response, while with older children you may be able to make a plan together for when they will have your undivided attention (in the very near future).

Another area that we need to be mindful of as parents is not reinforcing negative behaviors. Let’s say a child declares that he wants something at the grocery store – Mom says no, and the child proceeds to scream and throw a fit.  This is often where the break-down comes: if the parent is insecure in their abilities to parent, they are more willing to avoid causing a scene and being embarassed and give the child what they want rather than deal with the child’s behavior.  If Mom chooses to give in and buy the child what they are throwing a tantrum over, she has rewarded his behavior.  Next time he wants something, he will try the same thing that worked the last time. The natural progression is that children will continue to increase the intensity of their tantrums until it reaches the level where they are rewarded and given what they want, or they learn that when their parents say “no,” that is the final answer.

If you find that you are in a pattern of giving into your child’s tantrums, if you decide to stop this cycle you need to be prepared that it will undoubtedly get worse before it gets better. You are doing something your child doesn’t like, and he or she will continue to push the limits to see if you will give in.  If you do this nine times and really mean it when you say “no,” but then the tenth time give in because you are tired or unwilling to deal with the discipline issue, you have basically undone all the work you did the previous nine times.  You have taught your child that occasionally, if they push hard enough, you will eventually give in.  Never be afraid to leave a grocery store with a full cart of groceries sitting in the isle!  Do what you need to do to demonstrate to your child that you will not be manipulated into compliance with their desires.

A common problem area is when parents are not on the same page regarding parenting/discipline styles.  There is no easy answer for this other than that you and your spouse need to come to an agreement on what behaviors to address and how.  Kids are very crafty and can very quickly identify ways to manipulate their parents and put them on opposing sides. Meanwhile, the child gets what they want from whichever parent will give in, and the parents are left frustrated with one another.

Clearly, we have only scratched the surface of a large and complex topic.  It really boils down to: consistency, consistency, consistency. Give intentional, well thought-through responses rather than impatient or angry reactions.

Overall, it is your job as a parent to study and know your children.  What works for your first child is most likely not going to work for your second.  Parenting is not a clear-cut formula; it is a relationship.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is something that will make your child very unhappy with you!