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Intentional in 2010

January 21st, 2010 by Kristi Stephens

I’m not usually a resolution maker.

‘Cause let’s be honest… I have a big ol’ type B personality, and I rarely stick with them.  My husband teases me that he will ask me what I’m making for dinner, and by the time it’s on the table it is something completely different.  Apparently I like to change directions mid-stride!

So, while that is my personality and, short of Divine intervention, it’s probably not going anywhere… I do need to be more deliberate and self-disciplined.  Sandra used the word “self-control” as her one-word resolution.  I think my one word would be intentional.

**Read the rest of this post over at Today’s Housewife!**

FYFS: Raising Timothy

January 20th, 2010 by Kristi Stephens

Today for Fresh Year, Fresh Start, I’d like to piggy back on what Teri Lynne and Kelly shared on Monday – namely that our main job as parents is to teach our kids to be disciples.

If you haven’t read my posts about Radical Discipleship and Packing for Ephesus, they are in the forefront of my mind as I write this post.  

As I shared in radical discipleship, learning about the first century followers of Jesus’ understanding of what discipleship meant really impacted how I view our jobs as parents.  To be a “disciple” of a rabbi in the 1st century meant that:
1. They frequently would have had the entire Old Testament memorized word-for-word
2. In addition, they memorized all of the rabbi’s teachings (word for word!)
3. They would have been able to explain and defend all of the rabbi’s intepretations of the torah
4. They didn’t just want to know what the rabbi knew, they sought to actually learn to behave just like their rabbi.  They often spent 24 hours a day with him.
5. When the rabbi saw they were ready, they would then go and make other disciples themselves

In Packing for Ephesus, we discussed the fact that because of Timothy being half-greek, he would not have been allowed to attend Torah school.  Paul, however, points out that Timothy had been taught the Scriptures from infancy – his mother and grandmother intentionally and skillfully had passed on their faith and knowledge of the Scriptures.  They had done a fine job, apparently – for Paul (who had studied under Gamaliel and was a rabbi) called Timothy to be his disciple.  After a few years of on-the-job training and discipleship, Paul had such confidence in Timothy (who remember was most likely not yet 20 years old!) that he left him to pastor the young and vulnerable church in the incredibly pagan city of Ephesus.

One of my favorite things about this story is this:

Scholars say that in less than 100 years, Ephesus was 90% Christian. Partly because of a gangly teenager, an outcast from his culture, who was taught God’s Word from infancy, discipled well in adolescence, and equipped and sent to serve.

These two women, who were just doing their non-glamorous jobs of running a household and raising this child, impacted thousands of people through the legacy they left. Their faithfulness to teach Timothy from infancy about the Word and ways of God impacted the world in ways they never could have dreamed of.  They prepared him well, enabling him to be ready to learn under Paul’s tutelage, and ultimately become a disciple of Jesus himself.

So today, I’d like to think about ways to raise our children as modern-day “Timothies.”
First things first… As Kelly emphasized in her post, much of our children’s training comes from watching us. Just how dedicated are we to becoming true disciples of Jesus?   How passionate are we about knowing, memorizing, meditating on God’s Word?  Are we spending the time it takes to not just know the Rabbi’s words, but to actually learn to live just like Him?  Are we modeling for our kids that discipleship is not a part-time job that we fit in amongst the other necessities of life… that it is completely and utterly all-consuming?
Now, some practical thoughts:
1.  As I think about raising my children as a process of discipleship, and then look at that list of what a “disciple” really is… I am convinced that memorizing Scripture is a key component.  We’re talking about beyond AWANA verses right now – I mean memorizing whole chapters and books of the Bible together. 
When you memorize large portions of Scripture with a child, working on it together gives you constant opportunity to explain the text and tie it to other portions of the Bible they know.  When you work on it “when you rise up, when you sit down, when you walk along the road,” you can naturally teach them how that passage applies to their life.  It becomes part of their training.  You are teaching them to know it, meditate on it, and live accordingly.
If doing this seems intimidating or impossible to you, this post might give you some practical “how to” ideas.
2.  The way God sets up life for His people in the Old Testament really gives us some insight on how to raise up the next generation.  As we have already referenced, they were to teach their children constantly. (Deuteronomy 6:5-9)  In addition, the feasts and festivals that were fixed in the Hebrew calendar were cyclical teaching times.  Multiple times a year your family would leave wherever in Israel they lived and journey on foot all the way to Jerusalem – just to be near the presence of the Lord and worship corporately with the rest of Israel.  You didn’t just hear a story about God rescuing them from Egypt – you killed a lamb and ate bread without yeast and reenacted, in a way, the events of that night… and you taught your children as you did it.
Every year, we have opportunities built-in to our calendars to teach and train our children.  Whether we’re talking about Christmas and Easter, or whether you are considering incorporating Passover and other Jewish feasts into your family celebrations, we have a Biblical precedent to make these annual times more than a tradition.  I think we need to capitalize on these times – they are “teachable moments” that hallmark has already marked on our calendars for us… now we just need to make them meaningful!  We’re learning more about how to do this as we go and I share my thoughts in my “holiday reflections” posts- I’d love to hear from you more about how your family does this.
3.  The “faith community” was central to raising children.  In the first century, people in Galilee went to their synagogues daily to hear the Word of God read and discussed aloud.  They lived in close quarters. They journeyed to Jerusalem for the feasts together.
Being part of a healthy and Biblically sound church is a huge gift we give to our kids.  More than just being present on Sundays or attending special programs, being part of the life of the body is so important.  I know in my own walk with Christ, the vast amount of time that my family spent with our church family left lasting marks on my life.  I saw people of all different backgrounds and personalities who all had different testimonies to share… with the common theme of God’s grace and His power to redeem the darkest spots in our lives.
I know that for those of you with young kids being committed to your church can be hard.  Your kids need naps, they get thrown off their schedules, it’s hard to find time for things like small groups or extra Bible studies.  But you need it.  And they need it.  They need to see you connecting, serving, learning.  They need to interact with other adult believers who have walked a different road and ended at the same destination.  We need to embrace and pass on the fact that we cannot be the “body” of Christ off on our own.
We’ve had some hard and horrible Mondays at our house when our little ones were all thrown off their schedules from church the day before… but it’s worth it.
4. On the flipside, it is not enough to leave our children’s spiritual education as the responsibility of the church, or even a Christian school.  If we choose to do this, we have failed to connect “spiritual knowledge” to everyday life.  We have reinforced the idea that the Bible is nice to know, but doesn’t really impact your life all that much.  If you want to read some scary statistics about the pattern in the church of doing this, check this out.
Remember, discipleship was a 24-hour a day commitment.  It was more than knowing what the rabbi knew… it was becoming so immersed in his life that you learned to behave and live just like the rabbi.  True discipleship is consuming.  From when we rise up, to when we’re walking (or driving!) along the road, to when we lie down at night, we need to be constantly teaching our kids to KNOW God’s Word and LIVE accordingly.
I’m sure there are more points I could list here, but it really boils down to the fact that we as parents need to be radically committed to knowing and obeying God’s Word – to living just like the rabbi.  Paul affectionately speaks to Timothy as a son and notes, “I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.” (2 Timothy 1:5)
Lord, teach us to follow wholeheartedly after you.  To truly be your disciples ourselves.  May we be able to say to our children, ‘follow me, as I follow Christ.’  May our children be modern-day Timothies who will turn their world upside down in your name.
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To learn more about “Fresh Year, Fresh Start” or to catch up on posts you  may have missed, please click here.  Don’t forget to come back on Friday and link up your posts about starting fresh in your parenting in 2010… remember there’s a blog makeover from Jo-Lynne (@dcrmom) of DCR Design up for grabs!

This post is linked up to Works for Me Wednesday at We Are THAT Family!

FYFS: Practical Discipline Techniques and Common Mistakes

January 19th, 2010 by Kristi Stephens

Today for Fresh Year, Fresh Start, I’m letting you in on a little secret… one I haven’t shared on the ol’ blogeroo before.

My hubby NP is a clinical p.s.y.c.h.o.l.o.g.i.s.t.   (Trying to make this as non-googleable as possible!  So, shhhhh… we’re keeping it quiet!) It is immensely helpful to be parenting alongside him – I so appreciate that he understands the “bigger picture” and has wise insight into how to handle discipline issues effectively.  Whether it was the day that AG’s fish died and somehow NP turned it into an exciting opportunity to pick out a new fish that looks like a princess, or the frequent times when I am losing my mind and he gives me a gentle nudge in the right direction, he is a great dad and makes me a better mom along the way.

So, during this FYFS week on the topic of parenting, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to allow you to hear some practical wisdom and insight from him, as he deals in a professional therapy role with parents on a regular basis.  We frequently talk about the parenting issues that can sneak up on us – and the huge effects it can have on our children and the harmony in our homes.  Consider this a free session in his office. ;)

Without further ado – this is his attempt at scratching the surface of this huge topic in answer to my question, “what are common issues that you address with parents in your office?  What are some practical techniques to consider?”

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Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy ChildOften when I meet with a parent regarding behavior issues in their children, one of the first things I address with them is their child’s sleep patterns. Many times underlying behavior issues is a lack of sleep and/or inconsistent sleep habits.  I recommend to my clients that they read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth.  [From KS: we are big, BIG fans of this book.  I would highly encourage you to take a look at it!!]

When addressing recurring discipline issues, one question you can ask yourself is, “does my child feel that it is worth it to obey versus disobey?” Is there any benefit for them to do what you expect?  I find myself frequently telling parents, “catch your kids doing what is good!”  Find ways to praise and encourage them, to create an atmosphere in the home that makes them want to please you.  So often saying “no” or “don’t” or giving only negative feedback becomes a habit that we have to intentionally correct.

Especially if you are trying to correct a problem behavior, any time you see your child doing anything that even resembles the opposite of that behavior, point it out and affirm it!  If your child tends to jump in the furniture, for example, and you see him sitting appropriately, take a moment to say, “I really like how you’re sitting nicely right now.”

There are many types of positive reinforcers you can implement to encourage desired behaviors.  These can range from verbal praise and activities, attention, and one-on-one special time with you to tangible things like earning tokens that can be cashed in for something special at the end of the day/week/month (depending on the age of the child).

Rewards can also be on-the-spot types like stickers, candy, or toys.  Personally, I am not a fan of rewarding with food, because I think that it can create an unhealthy relationship with food in the long term.  (If you want more creative ideas for positive reinforcements, “Super Nanny” uses a lot of different types of reinforcers.  I usually agree with her approaches to parent/child relationships.)

One of the most effective forms of positive reinforcement is utilizing the natural parent/child emotional connection.  They want to spend time with you- and they will do what they need to do to get your attention. Sometimes children will act out simply to get a reaction – even if they know it will be a negative one!  What they are really wanting is your attention, and they will take whatever form they can get.  When you see your child displaying attention-seeking behavior it is a signal that you need to put your agenda aside and focus on their needs, or at least recognize that they need you. Younger children generally require a quicker response, while with older children you may be able to make a plan together for when they will have your undivided attention (in the very near future).

Another area that we need to be mindful of as parents is not reinforcing negative behaviors. Let’s say a child declares that he wants something at the grocery store – Mom says no, and the child proceeds to scream and throw a fit.  This is often where the break-down comes: if the parent is insecure in their abilities to parent, they are more willing to avoid causing a scene and being embarassed and give the child what they want rather than deal with the child’s behavior.  If Mom chooses to give in and buy the child what they are throwing a tantrum over, she has rewarded his behavior.  Next time he wants something, he will try the same thing that worked the last time. The natural progression is that children will continue to increase the intensity of their tantrums until it reaches the level where they are rewarded and given what they want, or they learn that when their parents say “no,” that is the final answer.

If you find that you are in a pattern of giving into your child’s tantrums, if you decide to stop this cycle you need to be prepared that it will undoubtedly get worse before it gets better. You are doing something your child doesn’t like, and he or she will continue to push the limits to see if you will give in.  If you do this nine times and really mean it when you say “no,” but then the tenth time give in because you are tired or unwilling to deal with the discipline issue, you have basically undone all the work you did the previous nine times.  You have taught your child that occasionally, if they push hard enough, you will eventually give in.  Never be afraid to leave a grocery store with a full cart of groceries sitting in the isle!  Do what you need to do to demonstrate to your child that you will not be manipulated into compliance with their desires.

A common problem area is when parents are not on the same page regarding parenting/discipline styles.  There is no easy answer for this other than that you and your spouse need to come to an agreement on what behaviors to address and how.  Kids are very crafty and can very quickly identify ways to manipulate their parents and put them on opposing sides. Meanwhile, the child gets what they want from whichever parent will give in, and the parents are left frustrated with one another.

Clearly, we have only scratched the surface of a large and complex topic.  It really boils down to: consistency, consistency, consistency. Give intentional, well thought-through responses rather than impatient or angry reactions.

Overall, it is your job as a parent to study and know your children.  What works for your first child is most likely not going to work for your second.  Parenting is not a clear-cut formula; it is a relationship.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is something that will make your child very unhappy with you!

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Thank you, NP!!!

If you’re new to Fresh Year, Fresh Start, you can read more about the series and catch up on past posts here.  Don’t forget to link up your own “fresh start” for your parenting in 2010 – there’s a fresh blog makeover coming someone’s way soon courtesy of DCR design! :)

The book’s link to amazon is provided for your convenience.  I am an amazon affiliate and would receive a small percentage of any sales resulting from this link.

FYFS: A fresh reminder of the importance of parenting

January 18th, 2010 by Kristi Stephens

I pray that you have been blessed and challenged by the last two weeks of Fresh Year, Fresh Start! If you have missed any posts, be sure to check them out – they are all listed here!

This is the third and final week of Fresh Year, Fresh Start – our topic is:

Praying for fresh wisdom as we seek to disciple our children with the heart of Christ.  We’ll share what God has pressed upon us regarding how to train, discipline, disciple, and teach the precious treasures we have been entrusted with.

Today Teri Lynne and Kelly have taken on the subject of why we do what we do!   

Here is a snippet of Teri Lynne’s wonderful post:

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The purpose of discipline, then, is two-fold … 
to reveal our love and to produce righteousness.

Because foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child (and can anyone really dispute this?  If you need proof, consider almost any teenager you know!), we are called as parents to use godly discipline to train our children and give them a foundation of faith in the Lord. 

We discipline in order to teach them to be disciples!
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Jump over to Pleasing to You to read the rest of Teri Lynne’s thoughtful challenge to us.

Kelly has given us a great “refresher course” in our calling as parents, as well.

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Christian parents have a huge responsibility. We are charged with teaching our children the ways of God and discipling and disciplining them effectively to that end. “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” – Deuteronomy 6:7 We are to show our children how to live, think, act, and worship.

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Be sure to catch the rest of Kelly’s post at Wisdom Begun.
 

Don’t forget that we want to hear from you!  This Friday there will be another linky here on Run the Earth, Watch the Sky…AND remember!  Jo-Ann (@dcrmom) of DCR Design is giving away a FRESH BLOG MAKEOVER as a grand prize at the end of the series… be sure to link up for extra entries!!

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