May 18th, 2011 by Kristi Stephens

It starts the first time we hold our little baby in our arms. Our chests swell with pride, and we instantly believe that this child is the most beautiful, most gifted, most advanced, most spectacular child that has ever been born. We obsess over milestones, we swap comparisons with other parents and hope that our little beauties will obviously outshine all of their competition. Er, peers.

They say love is blind, and a parent’s love… watch out.

It’s not our little bundle’s fault that her parent’s pride and sometimes insecurities are rearing their ugly heads. Our obsessive need to be the center of attention, to be recognized and praised, blossoms as we hold this little person and we beckon everyone to take notice what a future celebrity we have brought into the world. Or perhaps it is our nagging insecurities that are bursting forth. We’ve never felt beautiful, or good enough, or appreciated – but this child, this child will be brilliant and talented and popular and have all the things we always wanted but never quite attained.

And so, we paint our children as these perfect beings in our minds. Deep down, we know their flaws, we see them on their bad days. But we certainly don’t want anyone else to see that. It might mar our family image.

When I taught high school I was always astounded by parents who would absolutely refuse to allow their children to face the consequences for their actions and who would defend the most shocking behavior with vigor. I sat in parent conferences with serious concerns about my student’s academic struggles, only to find that his parent outright denied that he found anything difficult whatsoever. Flip on the American Idol tryouts, and you know without a doubt: these people have never been told the truth; their parents have flattered them into delusions of grandeur.

I’m all for positive speaking (we’ll discuss that tomorrow!), but there is a difference between life-giving affirmations and death-dealing flattery.

A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.

Proverbs 26:28

Hates! Isn’t that a strong word? Proverbs 13:24 uses the same language directly aimed at us parents:

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 13:24

We all love our children deeply, fiercely. But the goal of our parenting is not to make them deliriously happy, to shield them from any pain or disappointment, to keep them from facing consequences. The goal of loving Christian parenting is this: to disciple our children, to teach them to know and obey the Lord Jesus Christ and to train them to live a holy life; it is only there that they will find true eternal joy.

King David did a lot of things right – but he had some clear issues (just as we all do.) Bathsheba is always the first thing that comes to mind when we consider his failures, but this verse stood out to me in living color the other day. In this passage, King David is nearing his death. A power struggle plays out dramatically as his son Adonijah attempts to usurp Solomon’s role as the next king of Israel.

Now Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, put himself forward and said, “I will be king.” So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him. (His father had never interfered with him by asking, “Why do you behave as you do?” He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.)

1 Kings 1:5-6

Because David had failed to discipline Adonijah, and because Adonijah’s feelings of entitlement drove him to the audacious move of declaring himself king, it destroyed him in the end. God had chosen Solomon for the throne – his role was preserved and Adonijah ended up being killed for his further power grabs attempted later in the account.

If we love our children, we must speak truth to them. We must lovingly discipline. We must allow them to face the consequences of their choices. We must be realistic about their sin and struggles, and aim not for their happiness but for their holiness.

If we lie to and flatter our children, if we refuse to instruct and correct them, we are setting them up for pain and destruction. Using our tongues wisely as we parent must include saying hard things wrapped up in genuine love.

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