June 8th, 2009 by Kristi Stephens

In our last post, we took a look at the restless evil of foolish speech - today we’re beginning a look at a related topic, because anger is usually obvious in our speech!

A few weeks ago, I was pulling out of church when I heard the sounds of tires screeching and horns blaring coming from the street. When I came to the corner, I saw the man who had apparently been cut off in traffic – he had pulled his car over to a side street, was outside his vehicle with no shirt on, screaming and swearing and shaking his fist (shirt in hand) at the car that had apparently offended him. He was screaming a dare (laced with obscenities, of course) to the other driver to come back and face him in person.

Now, I have been cut off in traffic my fair share of times, and it is aggravating. But, really – how can you possibly take it that personally and flare up that violently over an encounter in traffic? We live in an angry society. People are angry – and the rage quietly simmers under the surface until the smallest incidents make it come exploding out like a volcano unleashing its pressure.

Our society also has a tendency to glorify and gravitate toward anger. Reality tv is more exciting if there is a shocking fight. Popular songs are full of venomous hatred toward someone who has wronged the singer. Video games are more “fun” if there is hatred and murder involved.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 is a great memory verse for this topic -

Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools.

One of the characteristics of a fool is being quick to become angry.

I’m going to keep this short today and look at this topic more throughout the week. One question I would like to pose before you today is the difference between righteous and sinful anger.

I’d also like to give you a quick homework assignment: go to Bible gateway.com and do a keyword search for the phrase “anger of the Lord” – skim through the references and notice how often God is described as being angry. And yet, contrast that with Exodus 34:6.

How can a good and loving God who is “slow to anger” be described as angry so often? What is He angry about, and how does that compare to what humans are usually angry about?

June 1st, 2009 by Kristi Stephens

Image by slworking2 via Flickr

Today we’re continuing in our study of Proverbs and its applications for parenting, but we’re going to start off in the book of James.

And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.
For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race.
But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.
James 3:6-8

Cheery, ain’t it?

Anytime I start feeling overly righteous a quick study on the tongue in the Bible will knock me down to size. This chapter in James is relentlessly convicting – no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. Haven’t we all found ourselves to be both the victim of the poison coming from the tongues of others, and also the perpetrator of evil with our own speech?

If you look through Proverbs topically, there are few things that are dealt with more than speech. From chapters 10 through 31, I highlighted all of the proverbs that deal with our speech in pink – and it is seriously convicting to read through these verses. Here are a smattering of verses on the topic – just a few of many.

Remaining silent
• When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable,
But he who restrains his lips is wise. (10:19)
• The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer,
But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things. (15:28)
• Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise;
When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent. (17:28)

Telling the Truth
• He who speaks truth tells what is right,
But a false witness, deceit. (12:17)
• Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD,
But those who deal faithfully are His delight. (12:19)
• A truthful witness saves lives,
But he who utters lies is treacherous. (14:25)

Pure and uplifting speech
• The lips of the righteous bring forth what is acceptable,
But the mouth of the wicked what is perverted. (10:32)
• There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword,
But the tongue of the wise brings healing. (12:18)
• A soothing tongue is a tree of life,
But perversion in it crushes the spirit. (15:4)
• Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (16:24)
• He who has a crooked mind finds no good,
And he who is perverted in his language falls into evil. (17:20)

Gossip and repeating what is spoken in confidence
• He who conceals hatred has lying lips,
And he who spreads slander is a fool. (10:18)
• He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets,
But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter. (11:13)
• A perverse man spreads strife,
And a slanderer separates intimate friends. (16:28)

Obviously there are many, many more – these were just some highlights from chapters 10-17! I’d encourage you to take a highlighter of your choice and go through the Proverbs looking for verses having to do with our speech – it’s amazing!

Now, this is obviously an issue for all of us on some level – as James discusses, taming the tongue is a difficult task, indeed. We talked about our speech more in What’s Steeping in your Soul, so I’d encourage you to take a look at that post, as well.

As parents seeking to disciple our children in the way of wisdom, how should the emphasis the Proverbs place on controlling our tongues effect our discipline? What should we be concerned about? What should we work on?

Here are some specific things that I want to specifically work on with my children – I’d love to hear more ideas from you.

• Showing respect to adults and peers alike by not rudely interrupting. This is not a “children should be seen and not heard” mentality – we delight in hearing my daughter ramble on! But I want her to learn to show respect to the adults in her life by not interrupting and dominating the conversation. How does this start? One thing we are trying to teach our daughter to do is to wait until there is a pause in conversation before speaking, saying “excuse me” and waiting for us to give her our attention if she needs to get our attention immediately, etc. Kids aren’t wired to do this – it takes specific teaching and perhaps even giving them a “script” of what is appropriate to say when.

• Learning to listen to others (peer and adult) and ask relevant questions. This is just a basic conversation skill, but it is another way of showing respect and recognizing the thoughts, concerns, and needs of those around us! I love hearing AG sit with NP when he comes home from work – she’ll often put her arm around him and ask, “how was your day?” It thrills our hearts!

• Understanding that deceit = lying, and that both are sin (and are disciplined accordingly!). Being sneaky and trying to run back into your room when you’re supposed to be in bed, for example, is the same as lying to me – you are intending to deceive by your actions. Picking and choosing the way we phrase things in order to “tell the truth,” but not the whole truth, and lead someone to believe something that is not true is an intent to deceive with words – and it is lying! Remember – God’s person is the basis for our morality! In Him there is no darkness at all! If we are not acting in line with His nature, we are in sin.

• Avoiding perverse speech – I wasn’t going to put this down because it seems like common sense, but it isn’t necessarily common sense anymore! Our kids are sponges for language, and seem to be specifically geared to pick up words [and inflections!] they should not use! As our children grow, Christian parents need to be more intentional to teach their children why we do not use perverse speech. It’s not just that it isn’t age appropriate or that “good Christians don’t use that word” – we are to fill our minds with only what is true, honorable, right, and pure (Phil. 4:8), and then our words should match up and bring truth and healing to those around us. Again, our sin nature keeps us from doing this naturally – this is an aspect of discipleship as we discuss how certain thoughts, attitudes, and words line up with the “Philippians 4:8 test” together.

• We haven’t gotten to the age when gossip and slander are an issue, but I remember the pain my fellow grade-schoolers caused me as a child over these issues like it was yesterday. As parents we need to work hard to define, define, define – what does it mean to gossip? What does it mean to slander? Give “what if” examples and discuss how to biblically respond to different situations.

Have any other thoughts on what and how we should teach our children to learn to control their tongues? I know that I, and my children, will battle with our speech until the end of our lives – it is a restless evil! But just as the wise men in Proverbs sought to train their children, it is our great responsibility to impress on them the power of our speech – the power to give life, the power to kill.

Oh, and have a whiner at your house? Take a minute to check out Sarah Mae’s great post on correcting whining.  (For a discussion on the Biblical basis for WHY whining and complaining are sinful, check out The Cancer of Complaint.)

Who is the man who desires life
And loves length of days that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil
And your lips from speaking deceit.
Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.
Proverbs 34:12-14

May 28th, 2009 by Kristi Stephens

Last week in the post Little Fools in Aldi, we started to look at how disciplining our children is more than just a practical way to go about our day without losing our sanity; it really is a life and death issue!

Sometimes when I hear people discussing discipline, it seems like there is a general assumption in our culture that good, loving parents (or teachers, for that matter) don’t discipline their children. Loving discipline has somehow been equated with abuse. I once saw a celebrity mom on a talk show asking for help on how to get her three year old daughter to stop drinking bottles! They were giving her very practical advice, and also talking about the damage her extreme coddling was having in her daughter. Even though she had asked for help, she really dug in her heels and resisted! Why? The bottles made her daughter “happy” – why would she take them away?

Most people may not have a three year old drinking out of bottles, but there are plenty of foolish parents out their allowing their children to self-destruct out of apparent “love” for their child and not wanting to make their child “unhappy.” What does the book of Proverbs have to say about that?

He who spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
Proverbs 13:24

Hates! That is a strong word! Why would lack of discipline be equated with hate? Check out Proverbs 19:18:

Discipline your son, for in that there is hope;
do not be a willing party to his death.

Remember, discipline is a life and death issue! Failure to discipline is equated with hate, because the overly permissive parent is being a willing party to their child’s self destruction and spiritual rebellion! Proverbs 23:13-14 touches on this point, as well -

Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.
Punish him with the rod
and save his soul from death.

Perhaps we should pause here and distinguish between discipline and punishment.

If my child does something wrong, punishment means they have to pay for their wrongdoing. They have broken a rule, and the goal of punishment is to make them pay for their action in some way. Webster defines punishment as suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution; a penalty inflicted on an offender through judicial procedure. Punishment without discipline can turn ugly, because the parent has nothing in mind other than causing the child to experience suffering or loss in retribution for their actions – the ultimate welfare of the child is not the parent’s goal.

Discipline, however, has an entirely different focus. Disciplining my children is not simply causing them to suffer for their bad choices – discipline is really discipleship! Look at Webster’s definition for discipline: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character. Do you see the difference? If I discipline my children rather than simply punish them, my goal is not to make them pay, but rather to form their character.

Punishment and discipline might look very similar – when my children choose to do certain behaviors, certain things are their punishment – it is what they have earned. However, a parent who seeks to discipline will have a different goal for the punishment – the goal is not for the child’s suffering but rather, for the child’s ultimate good – for the forming of their character.

What type of character formation are we looking for?

As I look through Proverbs, I see some important themes that are central to wisdom, and also central to disciplining our children! If we are parents seeking to disciple our children and teach them the way of wisdom in the fear of the Lord, it seems to me that these are main areas of focus for our discipline. In upcoming weeks, I would like to give time to address each of these topics in a specific post, and give practical discipline strategies for training our children in wisdom. Being limited in experience and perspective, I would love, LOVE for you to email me with practical teaching/ discipling/ disciplining ideas you have for any or all of the following.

• Controlling the tongue (using wise speech, remaining silent, refraining from slander and gossip, etc.)
• Controlling anger, not stirring up division and quarrelling
• Diligent work
• Honesty – transparency, no duplicity or intent to deceive
• Helping the poor, showing kindness and mercy
• Humility – not being wise in our own eyes, not seeking to publicly praise ourselves
• Choosing good companions
• Maintaining sexual integrity
• Seeking to acquire knowledge
• Receiving counsel and correction from those who are wise

So, please chew on that for a while and share your wisdom with me – I will gladly share it with others!

May 22nd, 2009 by Kristi Stephens

A couple of days ago I was in Aldi, bagging up my groceries, and I witnessed a parenting tragedy right before my eyes.

NP and I will never claim to be perfect parents – who is? Every child on the planet has public melt downs and tantrums and issues… because we are fallen and depraved, and remember – our children are born little fools! But seriously, I don’t understand how people don’t step back and realize that their kid is unbelievably out of control.

A little boy, about four years old, was there with his apparent mother and grandmother. I watched as time and time again they would give him an instruction and he would defiantly yell, “No!” and give them a command in return. And they would cave. Every single time.

The phrase “we don’t negotiate with terrorists” actually went through my mind – it was going to be the title of this post, but I thought I might get weird hits from google! :)

Think back to the Folly of Fools post – these were points summarizing the description of a fool in Proverbs:

• A fool hates instruction and guidance. He thinks too highly of his own perspective to seek wisdom and understanding from others.

• The fool is in rebellion against authority, both divine and human, and refuses to receive instruction.

• His mouth quickly betrays his foolish heart – he is recognizable for lying, slandering, using perverse speech, babbling constantly and refusing to hear input from those who actually have something worthwhile to say, and stirring up conflict with his words.

• He is quick-tempered and does not hold back his anger.

• The fool delights in evil and mocks at sin.

Hmmm… sounds a lot like an out of control kid in Aldi, doesn’t it?

I really like watching Super Nanny. I don’t see it often, though, as it nearly sends NP over the edge.  There are so many families that are in utter chaos because they do not have wisdom when it comes to parenting. Somewhere along the way, our culture has lost the idea of children being little fools who need discipline and guidance to form them into wise adults.

Remember Proverbs 22:15 –

“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.”

Kids need discipline! They need boundaries, they need consistency. Want to show genuine love for your child? Discipline him! Proverbs 3:12 says,

“For whom the LORD loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.”

If this is how God parents us, shouldn’t we sit up and take notice?

Much of the reason I feel so deeply about this is my own burden for how our culture has lost the fear of the Lord. My three year old has a decent grasp on theology for a preschooler, but there is much that she is simply unable to comprehend because of age and cognitive development. She can’t really understand the concept of fearing God, but she can understand the concept of fearing her parents! This is not fear of being harmed in any way… this is a proper reverence for authority. She knows we love her deeply and unconditionally and will never harm her – and she also knows that she must obey or she will face consequences.

Discipline is much more than finding a way to get your kid to go grocery shopping without making a scene. Discipline is a life and death issue. If parents fail to teach their children to submit, if the foolishness deeply embedded in their hearts is never removed from them, if they are only rewarded for rebellion… when will they learn to fear the Lord? And where will a life of folly lead them?

“For the waywardness of the naive will kill them,
And the complacency of fools will destroy them.
But he who listens to [wisdom] shall live securely
And will be at ease from the dread of evil.”
Proverbs 1:32-33

Photo from Parents magazine