May 20th, 2011 by Kristi Stephens

This week has been all about the words we use in our parenting. And you know what?

• Motherhood is ridiculously hard – it is tremendously sanctifying.
• In moments of exasperation we can use the sword of our words and leave wounds that will seep for years.
• It pulls out our pride and insecurities, it is easier to gloss over our children’s faults than to say hard things in love.
• We are constantly teaching our children, whether intentional or not- and our job is enormous!

Moms, are you feeling overwhelmed? Are you feeling unable to do it?

You can’t do this on your own! Remember – our words start in our hearts, and God is the only one who can change us from the inside out. God is also the only one who can change our children from inside out.

That’s why I’m thrilled to tell you about a phenomenal resource available from my friend Brooke – Warrior Prayers: Praying the Word for Boys in the Areas they Need it Most.

This little ebook is a delight to read. Full of Scripture, full of truth, full of practical encouragement to overwhelmed women in the grueling trenches of motherhood. Brooke hits the nail on the head: we can’t do this! The job is too big!

In Brooke’s words:

I don’t pray because I can. I pray because I can’t.

Prayer is the coming to the end of myself, the letting go, and placing my hope in the God who can. It’s putting none of my hope in what I can do, and all of my hope in what He has already done. It’s taking comfort in a God who loved deeply enough to save me and resting in the knowledge that He can do the same for my sons. It’s choosing to believe the truth of His Word–praying for its completion in the hearts of my sons–washing it over my tired heart and keeping my eyes on the One who straightens my path. It is enough for me and enough for my sons.

Wearing a posture of prayer as lifeline, hope, desperate plea to the God Who can.

Brooke walks the reader through crucial aspects of a boy’s heart and life, giving Biblical background and personal insights into the areas where our boys are especially vulnerable and in need of God’s clear hand in their lives. She gives beautiful lists of Scripture, inviting us to insert the names of our sons and pray the powerful Word of God over their hearts and lives.

If you are a mother of boys, a grandmother of boys, a mother of girls who wants to pray seriously and intentionally for the men who will someday become your sons… this book will be a tremendous gift in your prayer life. {Download for your kindle here, or purchase in ebook form here!}

And here’s some really good news – Brooke is providing a free copy of this valuable resource to TWO KristiStephens.com readers! Interested in winning a copy for yourself or a boy-mom you know who would love some encouragement? Just leave a comment below and let us know why you are interested in a copy of this ebook, what has been encouraging to you this week in One Small Spark, anything that’s on your mind! {Reading via email? Click here to come to the blog and leave a comment below the post!}

This giveaway will close at 10pm EST on Sunday, May 22nd. Winners will be chosen from numbered comments using random.org.

May 19th, 2011 by Kristi Stephens

I would love to say that my days are consumed with imparting rich wisdom to my children, quoting Scripture, discussing great doctrinal truths with my 5 year old. Lest you be fooled by the content of this blog, if I charted out the content of my words throughout the day it would probably look something like this.

I’d say I was completely unrealistic with “profound teachable moments”- it should probably be a MUCH smaller slice!

Moms, have you ever thought of yourself as a wise woman? An imparter of wisdom? A mentor? A discipler? In the midst of finding missing shoes or practicing spelling lists or negotiating with a picky eater – does your role of imparting wisdom to your children seem far from what you dreamed of when you held that first precious newborn in your arms?

The book of Proverbs has so much to say to us regarding our role as wisdom-givers:

Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction
and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
They will be a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck.

Proverbs 1:8-9

The whole book of Proverbs is written as an address from a father to a son – a vast array of advice that the young and foolish are begged to heed. What if we started really weighing the words we speak to our kids, considering each day a new chance to impart wisdom and teaching?

I’m not just talking spiritual wisdom, here. A lot of wisdom is practical, make-your-life-better teaching. You’re probably already doing it and you don’t even know.

• “If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it, too?”
• “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”
• “Try it again, and this time ask me the right way.”

We are constantly teaching our kids. Teaching them to brush their teeth and pick out clothes that match. Teaching them life skills like organization and time management. Teaching them to maneuver social situations, answer the phone politely, conduct and dress themselves modestly.

Why?

As we discussed yesterday, the goal of our parenting is not to raise “successful” kids who are happy. The goal of Godly parenting is to disciple our children, to teach them to know and obey the Lord Jesus Christ and to train them to live a holy life. What if we thought about everything we impart to them through that lens?

• I want my children to be good and generous stewards of their time, money, talents, resources – knowing that all things have been entrusted to them by God, and that from those who have been given much, much will be required.
• I want my children to relate respectfully and politely to those around them, learning to submit their will to others, even when it’s hard – they are servants of the Lord and are called to walk in a manner worthy of this calling, making truth attractive by living it out with grace.
• I want my children to apply themselves academically not for degrees on the wall, letters behind their name, or zeros in their paycheck – but because they have been given an eternal mission to know, study, articulate, defend, explain, illustrate, translate the Truth of God to a culture blinded to His message.

A lofty ideal? Perhaps. But maybe, just maybe, we would speak different words if we kept the eternal goal in mind. We’re raising the next generation of Christ-followers – how do we disciple them, teach them, equip them, prepare them to impact this world… even as we teach them to brush their teeth, discuss for the millionth time when we will have a snack, or remind them to finish their homework?

Your words matter, mom. You can impart wisdom to your children all day long, even when it doesn’t seem terribly profound. In all areas of life, we must equip our kids to know and serve Jesus Christ!

Lord, put your Word in our hearts and pour Truth from our lips!

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May 18th, 2011 by Kristi Stephens

It starts the first time we hold our little baby in our arms. Our chests swell with pride, and we instantly believe that this child is the most beautiful, most gifted, most advanced, most spectacular child that has ever been born. We obsess over milestones, we swap comparisons with other parents and hope that our little beauties will obviously outshine all of their competition. Er, peers.

They say love is blind, and a parent’s love… watch out.

It’s not our little bundle’s fault that her parent’s pride and sometimes insecurities are rearing their ugly heads. Our obsessive need to be the center of attention, to be recognized and praised, blossoms as we hold this little person and we beckon everyone to take notice what a future celebrity we have brought into the world. Or perhaps it is our nagging insecurities that are bursting forth. We’ve never felt beautiful, or good enough, or appreciated – but this child, this child will be brilliant and talented and popular and have all the things we always wanted but never quite attained.

And so, we paint our children as these perfect beings in our minds. Deep down, we know their flaws, we see them on their bad days. But we certainly don’t want anyone else to see that. It might mar our family image.

When I taught high school I was always astounded by parents who would absolutely refuse to allow their children to face the consequences for their actions and who would defend the most shocking behavior with vigor. I sat in parent conferences with serious concerns about my student’s academic struggles, only to find that his parent outright denied that he found anything difficult whatsoever. Flip on the American Idol tryouts, and you know without a doubt: these people have never been told the truth; their parents have flattered them into delusions of grandeur.

I’m all for positive speaking (we’ll discuss that tomorrow!), but there is a difference between life-giving affirmations and death-dealing flattery.

A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.

Proverbs 26:28

Hates! Isn’t that a strong word? Proverbs 13:24 uses the same language directly aimed at us parents:

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 13:24

We all love our children deeply, fiercely. But the goal of our parenting is not to make them deliriously happy, to shield them from any pain or disappointment, to keep them from facing consequences. The goal of loving Christian parenting is this: to disciple our children, to teach them to know and obey the Lord Jesus Christ and to train them to live a holy life; it is only there that they will find true eternal joy.

King David did a lot of things right – but he had some clear issues (just as we all do.) Bathsheba is always the first thing that comes to mind when we consider his failures, but this verse stood out to me in living color the other day. In this passage, King David is nearing his death. A power struggle plays out dramatically as his son Adonijah attempts to usurp Solomon’s role as the next king of Israel.

Now Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, put himself forward and said, “I will be king.” So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him. (His father had never interfered with him by asking, “Why do you behave as you do?” He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.)

1 Kings 1:5-6

Because David had failed to discipline Adonijah, and because Adonijah’s feelings of entitlement drove him to the audacious move of declaring himself king, it destroyed him in the end. God had chosen Solomon for the throne – his role was preserved and Adonijah ended up being killed for his further power grabs attempted later in the account.

If we love our children, we must speak truth to them. We must lovingly discipline. We must allow them to face the consequences of their choices. We must be realistic about their sin and struggles, and aim not for their happiness but for their holiness.

If we lie to and flatter our children, if we refuse to instruct and correct them, we are setting them up for pain and destruction. Using our tongues wisely as we parent must include saying hard things wrapped up in genuine love.

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May 17th, 2011 by Kristi Stephens

Yesterday I shared at MOB Society how sanctifying motherhood really is – it pulls out my “ugly” more than any other aspect in my life. Mothering is exhausting, consuming, exasperating, constant – there is no “put your best shiny face forward” when you’re up with little ones in the middle of the night, woken early in the morning with wet sheets or even a little face peering over your mattress with an offering of plastic donuts and pretend coffee for your enjoyment at 6am. Someone is always missing a shoe or crying because they want a snack or provoking their sibling. I am pushed beyond my limits and the “real me” bubbles out unbidden. And sometimes the “real me” is ugly.

Moms, I know that you get what I’m saying. I also know this: we love our kids. Our hearts hurt when they hurt, we long for what is best for them, we sacrifice for them, we would do anything within our power to protect them. I doubt that any of us have ever intentionally hurt our children with our words.

But on those bad days, have I unintentionally wounded their spirits, left seeping wounds that will ache and burn over time?

Proverbs 12:18 rings in my ears:

Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (NIV)

Reckless words.

My words have tremendous power in the lives of my children. I’m sure if we were in a small group we could go around and all attest to the power of a parent’s words; words that have defined us and clung to us throughout our lives – for better or for worse. What will my children remember me saying to them? Will I, in a moment of frustration or carelessness, recklessly speak words that will wound and scar their tender hearts?

The thought chills me. It makes me humbly collapse before the Lord, begging Him to bind my tongue and keep me from ever damaging with my words these precious ones He has entrusted to my care. As we consider the words that come out of us, remember: it all starts with the heart.

If we want the words that come from our lips to be uplifting and nourishing, it starts with a daily “heart-check” before the Lord. It is when we are humble and meek that our anger is bridled and our tongues are brought under control.

From a 2009 post on meekness:

Meekness and humility go hand in hand. It is a humility before God, acknowledging that He is sovereign over all. It is also a humility before others, putting their needs ahead of our own, seeking to serve rather than to overpower, giving up the desire to retaliate when we are wronged.

True humility, true meekness, will bridle our anger and stand sentinel over our tongues and reactions.

So, this afternoon as I work on my “big, important adult tasks” and my daughter constantly “interrupts” me, wanting me to hold her, or play with her, or turn off the tv, or give her a snack… shall I be angry and impatient with her, letting my tongue and tone wound her when she has done nothing wrong? What if she does disobey – in my discipline, am I angrily reacting to how her behavior has affected me, or am I meekly and lovingly teaching her to do what is right? I hope that I am not the only one who feels 2″ tall as I read that.

Interesting that as we parent and disciple our children, God disciples us! Lord, you truly are slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness – make us more like You!

Hmmm… this seems to be a repeated theme for me. :)

Oh, Lord – bridle our tongues! My our words be intentionally nourishing, not recklessly wounding. May words of grace and wisdom be on our tongues as we mother; sanctify us from the inside out, we pray!

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