May 19th, 2011 by Kristi Stephens

I would love to say that my days are consumed with imparting rich wisdom to my children, quoting Scripture, discussing great doctrinal truths with my 5 year old. Lest you be fooled by the content of this blog, if I charted out the content of my words throughout the day it would probably look something like this.

I’d say I was completely unrealistic with “profound teachable moments”- it should probably be a MUCH smaller slice!

Moms, have you ever thought of yourself as a wise woman? An imparter of wisdom? A mentor? A discipler? In the midst of finding missing shoes or practicing spelling lists or negotiating with a picky eater – does your role of imparting wisdom to your children seem far from what you dreamed of when you held that first precious newborn in your arms?

The book of Proverbs has so much to say to us regarding our role as wisdom-givers:

Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction
and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
They will be a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck.

Proverbs 1:8-9

The whole book of Proverbs is written as an address from a father to a son – a vast array of advice that the young and foolish are begged to heed. What if we started really weighing the words we speak to our kids, considering each day a new chance to impart wisdom and teaching?

I’m not just talking spiritual wisdom, here. A lot of wisdom is practical, make-your-life-better teaching. You’re probably already doing it and you don’t even know.

• “If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it, too?”
• “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”
• “Try it again, and this time ask me the right way.”

We are constantly teaching our kids. Teaching them to brush their teeth and pick out clothes that match. Teaching them life skills like organization and time management. Teaching them to maneuver social situations, answer the phone politely, conduct and dress themselves modestly.

Why?

As we discussed yesterday, the goal of our parenting is not to raise “successful” kids who are happy. The goal of Godly parenting is to disciple our children, to teach them to know and obey the Lord Jesus Christ and to train them to live a holy life. What if we thought about everything we impart to them through that lens?

• I want my children to be good and generous stewards of their time, money, talents, resources – knowing that all things have been entrusted to them by God, and that from those who have been given much, much will be required.
• I want my children to relate respectfully and politely to those around them, learning to submit their will to others, even when it’s hard – they are servants of the Lord and are called to walk in a manner worthy of this calling, making truth attractive by living it out with grace.
• I want my children to apply themselves academically not for degrees on the wall, letters behind their name, or zeros in their paycheck – but because they have been given an eternal mission to know, study, articulate, defend, explain, illustrate, translate the Truth of God to a culture blinded to His message.

A lofty ideal? Perhaps. But maybe, just maybe, we would speak different words if we kept the eternal goal in mind. We’re raising the next generation of Christ-followers – how do we disciple them, teach them, equip them, prepare them to impact this world… even as we teach them to brush their teeth, discuss for the millionth time when we will have a snack, or remind them to finish their homework?

Your words matter, mom. You can impart wisdom to your children all day long, even when it doesn’t seem terribly profound. In all areas of life, we must equip our kids to know and serve Jesus Christ!

Lord, put your Word in our hearts and pour Truth from our lips!

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May 17th, 2011 by Kristi Stephens

Yesterday I shared at MOB Society how sanctifying motherhood really is – it pulls out my “ugly” more than any other aspect in my life. Mothering is exhausting, consuming, exasperating, constant – there is no “put your best shiny face forward” when you’re up with little ones in the middle of the night, woken early in the morning with wet sheets or even a little face peering over your mattress with an offering of plastic donuts and pretend coffee for your enjoyment at 6am. Someone is always missing a shoe or crying because they want a snack or provoking their sibling. I am pushed beyond my limits and the “real me” bubbles out unbidden. And sometimes the “real me” is ugly.

Moms, I know that you get what I’m saying. I also know this: we love our kids. Our hearts hurt when they hurt, we long for what is best for them, we sacrifice for them, we would do anything within our power to protect them. I doubt that any of us have ever intentionally hurt our children with our words.

But on those bad days, have I unintentionally wounded their spirits, left seeping wounds that will ache and burn over time?

Proverbs 12:18 rings in my ears:

Reckless words pierce like a sword,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (NIV)

Reckless words.

My words have tremendous power in the lives of my children. I’m sure if we were in a small group we could go around and all attest to the power of a parent’s words; words that have defined us and clung to us throughout our lives – for better or for worse. What will my children remember me saying to them? Will I, in a moment of frustration or carelessness, recklessly speak words that will wound and scar their tender hearts?

The thought chills me. It makes me humbly collapse before the Lord, begging Him to bind my tongue and keep me from ever damaging with my words these precious ones He has entrusted to my care. As we consider the words that come out of us, remember: it all starts with the heart.

If we want the words that come from our lips to be uplifting and nourishing, it starts with a daily “heart-check” before the Lord. It is when we are humble and meek that our anger is bridled and our tongues are brought under control.

From a 2009 post on meekness:

Meekness and humility go hand in hand. It is a humility before God, acknowledging that He is sovereign over all. It is also a humility before others, putting their needs ahead of our own, seeking to serve rather than to overpower, giving up the desire to retaliate when we are wronged.

True humility, true meekness, will bridle our anger and stand sentinel over our tongues and reactions.

So, this afternoon as I work on my “big, important adult tasks” and my daughter constantly “interrupts” me, wanting me to hold her, or play with her, or turn off the tv, or give her a snack… shall I be angry and impatient with her, letting my tongue and tone wound her when she has done nothing wrong? What if she does disobey – in my discipline, am I angrily reacting to how her behavior has affected me, or am I meekly and lovingly teaching her to do what is right? I hope that I am not the only one who feels 2″ tall as I read that.

Interesting that as we parent and disciple our children, God disciples us! Lord, you truly are slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness – make us more like You!

Hmmm… this seems to be a repeated theme for me. :)

Oh, Lord – bridle our tongues! My our words be intentionally nourishing, not recklessly wounding. May words of grace and wisdom be on our tongues as we mother; sanctify us from the inside out, we pray!

This post is linked up to Women Living Well Wednesdays! Want to follow this series and make sure you don’t miss a post? You can follow along easily by subscribing to this blog by email or in an RSS reader! All the posts in this series will be indexed here for future reference, as well.

May 9th, 2011 by Kristi Stephens

We all know that our words carry tremendous power. Power to breathe life into the discouraged, power to maim with gossip and slander… power to splinter the intimacy of our marriages. We women seem particularly notorious for damaging our men and our marriages with our words, and the book of Proverbs has admonitions aimed right at us, ladies.

A foolish son is destruction to his father,
And the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping.

Proverbs 19:13 (NASB)

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day;
restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.

Proverbs 27:15-16 (NIV)

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines “contentious” as “exhibiting an often perverse and wearisome tendency to quarrels and disputes.” “Quarrelsome” is defined as “apt or disposed to quarrel in an often petty manner.”

Those words are so vivid. Perverse. Wearisome. Disposed to quarrel. Petty.

This past Saturday NP and I woke up to hearing an interesting dispute from 5yo AG and 3yo LB’s room. LB has a truly aggravating habit of taking things from his sister and hiding them, and then forgetting where he put them. We listened with eyes still half closed as the argument unfolded dramatically.

“LB, where did you put my sillyband? Why do you always do this, LB?!”

“AG, I don’t know where it is! I’m sorry, AG! I’ll help you look for it.”

“LB, you’re lying! You do know where it is and you won’t tell me! Why would you do that, LB??”

“AG, I DON’T know where it is!”

[Incomprehensible whining and crying from AG...]

“AG, I don’t understand what you are saying! What are you saying?”

[More whining and mumbling from AG]

And then we hear LB calmly and resolutely say, “I’m going to hit you.”

And… then suddenly Mom and Dad were awake. ;)

The ridiculous thing about this whole quarrel is that my kids both couldn’t really care less about sillybands. They don’t ever wear them. AG didn’t really want it – LB didn’t really want it… selfishness turned something menial and insignificant into a ridiculous argument.

Being consumed with selfish pride makes us do such petty things – it makes us argue over ridiculous nonsense just like children. It’s often not because the matter at hand is really that important… but because we want to manipulate our spouse and give ourselves the advantage, the position of power. We are convinced that our desires are more important than theirs, we are consumed with thinking of ourselves and refuse to think of the other person – and it will ultimately destroy us both.

In Judges 16 we find one of the master female manipulators in the Bible – Delilah.

Then she said to him, “ How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me? You have deceived me these three times and have not told me where your great strength is.”

It came about when she pressed him daily with her words and urged him, that his soul was annoyed to death.”

Judges 16:15-16

This whole scene is unbelievable to me. Delilah is whining because Samson won’t tell her how to destroy him. She keeps on pressing him to the point that his soul is annoyed to death. Indeed, his own foolish choices and her destructive manipulation (in the name of “love,” no less) ultimately killed him.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

If I am showing my husband the love of Jesus:

• Will I choose to pick petty fights over things that simply do not matter?
• Will I nag and quarrel and whine, pushing him to do what I want when I want it, refusing to recognize his desires as valid?
• Will I push my husband to do things that will ultimately harm him because I see some temporary advantage for myself?
• Would a transcript of my words read like a preschool argument?

We can build our husbands up and encourage them, speaking truth and love into their lives, or we can pick, nag, argue, and annoy their souls to death.

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

Proverbs 18:21

Time to turn off that drippy faucet, girls! Let’s breathe life, not death, into our husbands and our marriages today.

Since this week of One Small Spark is all about marriage, I linked today’s post up for “Marriage Mondays” at my friend Julie’s blog, Come Have a Peace! She always has wonderful insight and encouragement there each Monday – click on over and enjoy! Want to follow this series and make sure you don’t miss a post? You can follow along easily by subscribing to this blog by email or in an RSS reader! All the posts in this series will be indexed here for future reference, as well.

July 17th, 2009 by Kristi Stephens

Image by …-Wink-… via Flickr

Yesterday we talked about instilling the importance of diligent work in our kids. I said that in our next post we would discuss how much they learn from their mothers modeling this trait, and to give backbone to this discussion we’re going to flip over to Proverbs 31.

Wait, wait! I see your eyes glazing over… stay with me!

Proverbs 31 is probably the most quoted, most referenced, most discussed passage on being a godly wife. I must confess, though, that every time I study this chapter I come away feeling defeated and discouraged – this woman who apparently never sleeps, is completely organized and can spin and sew and cook and organize and run a home-business while managing her home in a way unmatched by the rest of the feminine world (oh, and she helps the poor and plants vineyards in her spare time) is completely and totally intimidating to me.

A few months ago in our class at church, we had split men and women and the guy who was teaching that day gave us a list of verses to look up. He was wanting to encourage us, apparently, by having us read Proverbs 31. We were supposed to read it and feel good about all we do. Unlike what he intended, we read it and felt like big fat failures!

Because of this history of feeling like a loser every time I picked up this chapter, I found it refreshing and liberating to learn that this chapter is more than an impossible to-do list for a woman who wants to honor God and her husband. The fact that this amazing chapter is written in an acrostic form (each verse begins with the next letter of the Hebrew alphabet) is so important to understanding what we are being told here! I will quote from Dr. Seuss and Bible Trivia:

Another form of Hebrew poetry is the acrostic form, where each line of poetry begins with the next letter of the Hebrew alphabet. It carries the idea of totality, ie: “As we have exhausted the alphabet, so we have exhausted the subject.”

This section of Proverbs 31 is the last portion of the book of Proverbs, the premier book about living wisely. Written in an acrostic form, this poem is not just giving you a to-do list. This poem is describing a woman who is the quintessential wise woman. As you read through the preceding 30 chapters of Proverbs and glean all kinds of nuggets of wisdom, you might wonder what a wise woman would look like. How would she act? How would she manage her time? Well, you are invited to take a seat and watch her – this Proverbs 31 woman is wisdom lived out.

I take comfort in that. Why? I still want to learn to be a diligent, skilled, capable woman like this woman described for us in chapter 31. But, instead of focusing on the particulars of her habits and trying to be just like her, it shifts my focus back to fearing God and searching for wisdom like a hidden treasure.

Ladies, no matter how hard we try to copy this woman and be just like her, we will fail. And we will feel defeated and never want to look at it again. But the search for wisdom is a life-long quest. And the best part is, the Proverbs tell us that if we search for it, we will find it!

James 1:4-5 says, “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

Feeling defeated? Ask God for wisdom. Submit to His teaching. Search it out, find wise women to learn from, ponder on His Word, develop your skills.

Now, with that said, let’s take a look at our Proverbs 31 woman. I think of all the aspects of wisdom that we find in Proverbs, none is so vividly illustrated in this ultimate wise woman than the trait of diligence and hard work. Consider the following verses:

•She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands. 31:13

•She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls. 31:15

•She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks. 31:17

•She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night. 31:18

•When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 31:21

•She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come. 31:25

•She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness. 31:27

She is a busy lady. She works hard. She doesn’t waste her time. She is the definition of being “busy at home!”

So much of what I share on this blog is simply an expression of my own journey, my own learning, what God has challenged me about. I’m going to ramble for a bit – know that this is coming from my own process of learning wisdom. PLEASE don’t get the impression that I have this mastered. Yeah, right!

Over the past few years since I started my job as a full-time homemaker, God has really challenged me in the area of being busy at home and developing skills to truly be a home-maker. I think many of us look at our job as “keeping the kids out of daycare” rather than being homemakers. There is a big difference.

My job is not to be an activity director, supervision that allows us to legally keep our kids at home.  Taking on the mantle of being a home-maker is a huge, HUGE task.

Honoring our husbands and being wives that they can trust in as their capable help-meets is time consuming and humbling – for me, that means that I take seriously my ministry of creating a safe haven for him, making sure he has a nicely ironed shirt to wear to work, a delicious and healthy lunch to eat, a nutritious meal and an peaceful home to return home to. It means that I am his biggest fan, the one he can count on to listen to him, pray for him, and notice and be proud of his hard work. If that makes your skin crawl, I understand- like I said, this has been a journey God has had me on! (and I don’t always do it well!!)

Managing my home takes time and skills that I am still learning. It takes time and discipline to clean when I would rather watch Bonnie Hunt, and I have found that the “quick” way is not usually the best way! It takes time and discipline to plan our meals, carefully watch our budget, learn about nutrition and “bring our food from afar.” I use cloth diapers, bake bread, make yogurt, clip coupons, etc not because it is easy, or even because it is fun (although, sometimes it is!) – I have begun to do these things because I have found them to be the better, although harder, way.

Being a mother takes skill and discipline! It takes discipline to, well, discipline! There are so many times when it would be easier to placate them then to insist that they obey and follow through with consequences. It takes discipline to watch their eating habits and sleep schedule and make sure that they aren’t rotting their brains in front of the TV all day instead of having engaging and creative activities to enjoy. Someone has to plan those engaging and creative activities, after all!

And you know what? Our kids are watching. If we want them to learn to be diligent workers, we have to model it. We have to be life-long learners at the hearth of the wise woman, and constantly pray, “O Lord, please teach me your ways! I long for wisdom more than silver, more than great treasure!”

Isn’t it interesting that James connects perseverance with maturity and wisdom? There is no overnight fix to gain wisdom. Discipline and skill take large quantities of time invested in order to master them.

Never, NEVER think that being “busy at home” is a small or menial task. Roll up those shirt-sleeves, girls – we have a huge job to do. Let’s do it well.